My kiddo was just telling me about a podcast they were listening to about Brutalist architecture and liminal spaces, and it occurred to me that that is exactly where I am - in some hard edged, Brutalist waiting room of sorts. A place where no one shows up to your events, no art sales (except shout out to mom!), no job offers, no consulting gigs, no follow up from friends for that elusive meet up for dinner or even a drink.
Maybe I wasn’t supposed to write that in public, but see there is this dichotomy happening, at least in my corner of the algorithm, where you are supposed to only present happy positive encouraging images of success (ahem, LinkedIn), but then you are also supposed to be as honest and true to yourself as possible to find your tribe and unlock the flowing blessings of the universe (I see you Instagram). So, I am stuck trying to figure out how much to share and where and when and grow my followers but not sell out but follow my dreams and live off my art but support my kiddo and on and on. And frankly things have not been going the best, but I am trying everything I can think of to get to the next place in life. When no windows are opening and you have closed all the old doors, you are in the Brutalist Waiting Room. And when you are not in the workplace, homeschooling, and tend to be reclusive anyway, this leads to too much isolation. Trying to balance believing in myself, my abilities and my work and trusting that something great is on the way with lots of scrambling to apply for whatever I can, reach out occasionally for help, spreading my energy way too thin in too many areas is all exhausting. Which may be why I am longing for tenderness more than ever. Softness, kindness, support, love even. Of any kind, it does not have to be the heart stopping romantic kind, in fact I have come to realize that I don’t want that fireworks kind of heart racing feeling, at least not only that. Sure, I would love that electric, eyes locking in synchronicity thing you read about or see in movies, but then I want to feel at rest and a calm, sure, strong sense of peace. Support is the main word that keeps coming up as what I seek, then I think am I doing enough to support other people? I try to send messages, show up when I can, keep in touch; I know I could do better, but there are many factors (to be described in a future post) that affect how I can show up in the world. Which brings me to thinking about presentation. How I present myself to the world as a person and through my work. I have never been too concerned with appearances, the right clothes, the best makeup and hairstyle, heels, and all the things I grew up being told by society I should care about. Even today, when I walk into a professional setting I feel out of place and like I don’t stack up. I have to wear Hokas right now or I am not leaving the house. I have to wear oversized clothes that maybe aren’t the most flattering or professional because my weight has been fluctuating, or actually just increasing for a while now. I cut my own hair and wear a bare minimum of makeup, but does that mean I can’t help you design a strategic plan, or fundraising campaign or marketing timeline, certainly not. But if I packaged myself differently, would I be getting more interviews or job offers or consulting gigs? If I showed up to more networking events at 8am or 6pm or was able to travel at an employer’s whim, would I be climbing to that next executive level? The thing is I have always sought balance and now more than ever. How can I be truly comfortable with myself and find a supportive workplace or income stream to take care of my kiddo? I have to be there for them more than some other parents, but I also have to leave to earn money to take care of them, so it seems. But we’ll rant about the state of women in America another day. This is an art newsletter, and all this applies to my work as well. If I framed my watercolors behind glass, or polished the edges of every panel, or applied to every show or attended everyone else’s openings, would I then be deemed sellable, supportable? Just how many followers, comments, likes, ads, events do I need to participate in to reach that next level in art? Is the work even ready for a show? Am I holding myself back or do I spread myself too thin with all my other attempts at making a living and having a life that I can’t quite get the work polished enough to get into shows. Again, exhausting. So, support is on my mind and presentation. Again, just the beginnings of these thoughts, but that to me is what a blog is for.
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